Your Binge-Drinking Abusive Partner - Could it be Bipolar Disorder?
If you love your man, and he gets abusive, what do you think is going on? If you consult a ‘family worker’ you’re likely to be encouraged to leave him. Sometimes this is the right advice. But if you know in your heart (or your brain) that this man is usually loving and caring and fun to be with, where do you go?
Many women are intimidated by their ‘family worker’ and act on their advice. I once subscribed to the same view that ‘bad behaviour’ was, simply bad behaviour. But my direct experience changed my beliefs.
There could be another explanation for his abusive behaviour, one that your family worker simply cannot comprehend. Family workers are trained to spot ‘bad behaviour’ and to help their client, the ‘victim,’ to run away. They don’t ever consider that ‘bad behaviour’ could be caused by anything that can be fixed, or treated.
I once worked as a temp for a place called ‘Family Care’. At smoko, I witnessed a conversation between two workers. I heard that he was intermittently very abusive and scary to the children of the marriage. For fun, I interjected ‘Have you ruled out mental illness in this father?’ One of the workers (who had told me she has bipolar disorder herself) hissed under her breath ‘Not yet.’ They never did actually get him assessed.
I lived with two men at different times who have been abusive, manipulative, controlling, making me feel guilty for not coming up to their impossible standards. One of them deliberately set out to destroy my favourite things and get me to spend a lump sum of money that I had recently received.
Both of them had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Both intermittently hit the alcohol in a big way. Their similarity of behaviour was due to bipolar and alcohol. Their difference was in their character. It took a while to figure out what behaviour was symptom-driven and what was chosen behaviour.
Abuse tends to run in episodes, with the abusive person being sorry after the fact. Bipolar disorder is episodic too. It affects the person’s mood, activity and thinking. Many people with bipolar disorder (men and women) use alcohol or other drugs when their disorder is active, to try to ’still the mind’.
This means that many people with bipolar disorder are seen by professionals as simply alcoholics, drug users, or abusers. Many people with bipolar disorder become extremely irritated, paranoid and upset when the disorder is active, leading them to criticise everyone around them and to seek unwarranted revenge on those closest to them.
One of the men I lived with sought treatment. The doctors saw through the alcohol and abuse. They diagnosed bipolar disorder. Within 36 hours of taking a mood stabilising agent, the man had stopped drinking, stopped being paranoid, stopped giving me a hard time and returned to being the nice fellow I had met.
He stayed that way until he forgot two doses in a row. Guess what? The paranoia, abuse, and drinking all started up again. The final proof for me was when he resumed his medicine - and the bad behaviour disappeared again.
Too many relationships are being destroyed because the ‘experts’ ignore the possibility of mental illness. Bipolar disorder affects one person in every fifty to one hundred. That’s one person on every bus. It’s common. And it’s treatable!
You’ve heard not to throw the baby out with the bath-water. Well, if you’re about to throw your Baby away, pause a moment. See if you can get him assessed for his mental health. If it can be treated, chances are you can get your relationship back on track, his health restored, your dreams alive!
About The Author:
Madeleine Kelly is the author of the award-winning book Bipolar and the Art of Roller-coaster Riding (Two Trees Media ISBN 0-646-44939-7) More information about living with bipolar disorder can be found at http://www.twotreesmedia.com/
